Paula's Book Talk

MJ Ryan Talks about AdaptAbility

I hope you enjoy this interview with author MJ Ryan. It gives you a glimpse into her excellent book AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For and some great tips and suggestions.

Paula: What’s the best thing we can do to survive in these uncertain times?

MJ: Developing the ability to anticipate and respond quickly to change is the crucial skill we all need, whether you’re an entrepreneur, a job seeker, a corporate executive or a stay at home parent. Another name for it is AdaptAbility. The process has four parts-accepting the change, expanding your thinking, getting to action and reflecting after on how you did so you can do it again when needed. Folks who are great at adapting go through the cycle more quickly and avoid a lot of drama and/or stuckness: Oh, things are different, ok, here’s what I’m going to do. This may sound simple but it’s not necessarily easy because of the way our brains are structured.

Paula: Really, in what way?

MJ: We have two parts of our brain involved in responding to change. The first is our neocortex, the thinking part. It likes habit so it wants to keep doing what it’s always done and sees the world the way it has in the past. So it isn’t necessarily happy to have to adapt and may not even perceive the situation accurately. That’s because, when a change hits, your neocortex take in the facts and create a story to explain what’s happened. It can’t help but do this. What story you tell yourself has everything to do with whether you cope well or poorly with what’s happening. The other part of the brain that’s involved is the amygdala, which we share with all mammals and reptiles. It scans for pain/pleasure, safety/danger. When it perceives danger or pain, it triggers the fight, flight or freeze response, which interferes with our ability to think well about our situation and has us running in fear or stuck in denial (freeze) or railing about our situation (fight). That’s why I say change is not the enemy, fear is.

Paula: So, what’s the first thing we should do when change rocks our boats to deal with these realities about our brain?

MJ: Apply the 3Fs

F1: Get the Facts: What actually is changing? Gather as much information as you can without exaggerating or minimizing the situation, as if you were a newspaper reporter. This will help your neocortex stay out of horror stories with bad endings that do nothing but scare you and most likely will never come to pass. Stories that are dangerous always include one or more of three Ps:

Permanent (it will be like this forever)

Pervasive (this has ruined everything)

Personal (I’m the only person going through this terrible thing, it’s all my fault).

When we tell ourselves such stories, we easily fall into despair and find it harder to create a positive future. Instead, turn those Ps on their head with a story that says:

Impermanent (This is temporary)

Limited (The rest of my life is still good)

Impersonal (This is happening to lots of other people and doesn’t have anything to do with me as a person)

F2: Tend Your Feelings: Unless you are someone who is excited by change, most likely this event has triggered the fear response. It does no good to tell yourself not to be scared, because the amygdala doesn’t listen to reason. Remember it’s only as smart as a lizard. Try slow deep breaths, and relax your muscles as much as possible. This will counteract the fear response.

F3: Reach Out to Other Folks: This is no time to isolate. Run, don’t walk, to help. There are three kinds of support other people can give, say social psychologists-tangible support, like money, food, shelter; advice and help with problem solving; and empathetic listening. Think about which you need most right now and who might be able to offer it. If you need something that you can’t get from family or friends, try a counselor, therapist, minister, support group.

Paula: What’s one question people rarely ask themselves in times of change that they should?

MJ: What have I done in the past to survive difficulty and how could I apply that to this? We each have a treasure chest between our two ears of precious resources gained through experience as well as qualities of heart, mind and spirit. The more deeply we connect to those, the more we will be able to use all of our inner resources. If this is the very first time you’re experiencing a challenge, remember you have created success in the past-you went to school, had a job, and created a family. How did you do that and how can you use those qualities again?

Paula: What are your other tips for getting through?

MJ: Here are my top 5. My website mj-ryan.com lists 20 which you can download.

Focus on the solution, not the problem. Because society rewards analytic thinking, we believe that identifying the cause is the answer: Why is this happening. That’s a starting point, but don’t spend too much time there. What are you going to do about where you are?

Because feeling in control is so crucial to resilience and economic challenges can leave us feeling very out of control, try asking yourself this question during the day: What am I free to choose right now?

Seek out really good advice–this is no time to be a lone ranger!

Celebrate success along the way, no matter how small: a new connection, a possible lead, a small savings. Give yourself credit for moving forward in a difficult situation. At the end of the day, look at what you’ve done and celebrate whatever accomplishment you can. Celebration creates positive energy and forward momentum.

If you find yourself worrying all the time, set aside a 15 minute worry time, say 5pm every day. Then when your mind starts worrying at other times, tell yourself it’s not worry time and distract yourself-read a report, write an email, something that occupies your mind.

Thank you, MJ, these are useful ideas that I know I can use right now--and lots of food for thought, too.

I'd love to hear from my readers: Which if these ideas are you likely to try? Why? How do YOU handle change?

How to Survive the Change You Didn't Ask For

Boy, you couldn't ask for a more timely book than M.J. Ryan's AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For.  Who isn't facing changes these days? 

There's more than enough change happening in my world: husband unexpectedly laid off, two kids starting college in the fall, I'm launching a 2nd business, and working on new strategies for Time of Your Life Tours.

I am pretty good at change, in fact, I thrive on it, and fit  Ms Ryan's definition of a "Change Master"--one who knows the steps for dealing with change and can go through them quickly. But you know what? I found loads of useful information in AdaptAbility. I bet you will too.

After some introductory remarks about the permanence of change, you'll find the potent section, "Seven Truths About Change."  Understanding these truths like "It's Not Personal" and "Change Isn't the Enemy, Fear Is" sets the stage for taking action. It's worth reading the Seven Truths carefully, doing the exercises, and taking time to reflect before moving on.

The remaining chapters, and the bulk of the book, focus on concrete practical steps you can take to adapt to and thrive on change. Specifically, you will learn to accept the change, expand your options, take action, and strengthen your adaptability.

The book is peppered with anecdotes and individual true stories that keep it lively and interesting. You'll also find inspiring quotes (and not the same old ones, either), charts and questionnaires, and plenty of food for thought, err, make that, action.

Seriously, if you are going to buy one self-help book this year, I highly recommend AdaptAbility. It's a handbook for life in the 21st century. Click on one of the links to get it on sale at Amazon today.

Next: an Interview with author M.J. Ryan. Don't miss it!

Vegetables on the Grill

I was talking with a friend at my book club last night (we were discussing Julie and Julia) and she mentioned how much she loves to grill. So, I told her about my favorite cookbook for cooking vegetables on the grill.

We're a two-grill-family: a charcoal one for meats and a gas grill we mainly use for vegetables. (Okay, we actually have three--an extra for big parties). The charcoal Weber is my husband's domain, but I fire up the other all the time.

I love Andrea Chessman's The Vegetarian Grill, which I've been using for about ten years now. In addition to a whole section on basic veggie grilling (you've got to try her recipe for grilled artichokes), Chessman 's bible has chapters on appetizers, and soups(!), sandwiches, wraps, pizzas, pastas, kabobs, desserts and more.

Opening the book at random, I landed on this recipe: Lentil -Stuffed Pita Pockets with Grilled Onions that mixes those ingredients with crumbled goat cheese, red pepper, balsamic vinegar and arugula.  Or how about Grilled Pears with Chocolate Nut Sauce? This is not your daddy's barbecue!

When I checked to see if The Vegetarian Grill was still in print, I was delighted to discover that Ms. Chessman has revised her work and published The New Vegetarian Grill, Revised Edition: 250 Flame-Kissed Recipes for Fresh, Inspired Meals . She's added 50 new recipes and "the very latest in modern grilling trends."

 If you like to grill and want to try some mouthwatering recipes for healthy meals and sophisticated vegetarian fare--that even kids will eat--, you will want to get The New Vegetarian Grill right away.

Now I am wondering if I can justify having both on my crowded cookbook shelves....

Best Summer Reads from Independent Booksellers

I was delighted to hear on NPR this morning that Erica Bauermeister's wonderful School of Essential Ingredients was among the choices for best summer reads.

Other picks include Iain Pears' Stone's Fall and Four Corners of the Sky by Rona Brinlee--two book I'll add to my reading list.

Check out the whole list (and listen to the broadcast MP3, if you like) here.

What's on your summer reading list? I'm always looking for suggestions.

Summer Cookbooks

Check out this list of new cookbooks for summer from the New York Times Books Section: Summer Reading. The last one in the list sounds especially wonderful to me-- RUSTIC FRUIT DESSERTS: Crumbles, Buckles, Cobblers, Pandowdies, and More.

Do you have a favortie cookbook for summer? Please share in a comment. Thanks!

Away by Amy Bloom

Right now my life seems difficult and uncertain. My husband is being laid off, my travel business is down, and I have two kids ready to start college in the fall if only I can get the financial aid stuff figured out and wrapped up. I am sure all will be fine, but it's a stressful time.

Reading Amy Bloom's stunning novel, Away: A Novel, made my problems and worries seem completely trivial and petty.

This is the story of Lillian Leyb, a young woman who emigrated to America after losing her entire family, including her little daughter, in a horrific pogrom. She lands in the slums of the lower East Side of New York, and has some amazing good luck as well as bad. 

Everything changes when she hears from a newly arrived cousin that her daughter Sophie is still alive and living with a family who left her village for the dream of a Jewish state in Siberia. Lillian's heart leaves her no choice--she must go to Siberia and search for her daughter.

I won't spoil the story and tell you about her travels and adventures, and you'll have to read Away  to find out how it ends, but I will tell you this--it is an unforgettable saga of human endurance, will, and great beauty.

Lillian's story is interwoven with the tales of the remarkable characters she meets. You'll discover a fascinating panoply of early 20th century people: the popular star of the Jewish theatre, a young Chinese grifter and her family, prostitutes, thieves, good people and very very bad ones. 

This is not your typical emigrant story. It's not pretty or neat.

For me, the most compelling thing about this novel is the way insight I got into the lives of women who lived 100 years ago. How few choices they had. How too often sex was their only means of survival. How life was a struggle wherein conventional morality had no place at all.

Reading Away, I couldn't help but feel overwhelming gratitude for how far we've come, how easy and luxurious my life really is, and how safe and secure I am right now.

While this is not an easy pleasant read, it is an incredible story that will capture your heart and your imagination. I have no doubt the story and the characters will live with you for a long time.

Click here to see a video of Amy Bloom talking about her remarkable novel.

The School of Essential Ingredients

Reading Erica Bauermeister's beautifully crafted first novel is like eating the russet pear pictured on the book jacket. It's luscious, nourishing, crisp, not too sweet, and finished much too soon.

What makes this novel so wonderful is not the plot. You've read stories like this before:  a group of the lost and lonely come together in a class, run by a remarkable woman. Over time, some are healed, some fall in love, and some find the help they most need. Some stories feel complete, and some point to a hopeful future.

No, it's not the plot, although each of the character's stories is fascinating and compelling, and every character is complete and complex. You will surely enjoy spending time with them.

What makes this gorgeously written novel so delicious is the warmth, intelligence and generosity of spirit permeates every page. Just like the members of my new book club, you will find much food for thought and depth in this seemingly simple story.

For instance, here is a quote that we discussed at length: "Sometimes, nina, our greatest gifts grow from what we are not given." ~ Abuelita. This led everyone (including the skeptical Sally in our group) to ponder our own lives, and search for "gifts" that came from what was lacking in our childhoods, missing elements that somehow nudged each of us toward a path and made us the women we are today.

And, of course, there are the sensuous descriptions of food that will make your mouth water. Cooks and those who love to eat will find tremendous pleasure in the descriptions of the food the students in the cooking class prepare from recipes that are creatively worked out rather than a rigid set of measurements and steps.

Each chapter of The School of Essential Ingredients metaphorically links a character and a particular food. For example, Claire, a young mother wondering where she begins and her babies leave off, finds her strength and will in a memorable confrontation with a crab.

Another chapter pairs fragrant rosemary with Antonia, an Italian woman struggling to find her footing as she adjusts to life in America. The strong aroma of this simple herb, and a marvelous and unusual Thanksgiving meal, allow her to see a way to meld her new life with her old.

I just loved this novel, and can't wait to read whatever Erica Bauermeister writes next (I hear she is already working in her next book). She is a writer of power and grace who can turn a simple story into a nourishing work of art.

Quick Picks For Spring: Part One

 Busy days lately--putting together some great tours for next fall, making a  video working on the annual fundraiser for the Seattle Shakespeare Co., teenagers and college angst, aging mother, garden, dog---the the usual stuff and a bit more.

But I'm still reading lots of good books, and here are a few that I think you will enjoy. Nothing too heavy or serious--some light reading for rainy days and nights.

gods behaving badly by Marie Phillips posits that the ancient Greek gods, immortals after all, are alive and as quarrelsome and immature as ever. Not a new idea by any means, but done with sass and verve here.

It's a wacky plot, involving a pair of "good" humans, an unlikely couple who overcome all kinds of obstacles to find true love--including a descent in to Hades-- and the gods who now live together in squalor in London.

Things being what they are in the contemporary world, the gods, despite their ancient and necessary work to keep the sun coming up, and the engines love, sex, war, and chastity, and drunkenness running, find they must take jobs to make some cash. These are certainly gods with a small "g."

So, Aphrodite does phone sex. Apollo stars in a  a reality show on TV. Artemis, mistress of the hunt, is a dog walker. Dionysus owns a club, and Mars creates havoc and war wherever he goes. They constantly  clash with each other and they still mess with humans. It's entertaining and silly and a lot of fun.

Interred with Their Bones by Jennifer Lee Carrell will keep you turning the pages. Although the writing is uneven and the plot rather implausible at times, I just couldn't stop reading, anxious to see what happened next.

Basically, it's a kind of Da Vinci Code puzzle concerning a lost manuscript by Shakespeare. There are fires, murders, mysteries, and intrigue in a tale that moves back and forth in time and takes place in London, Spain, Washington D.C.,and the American West. 

I found, Kate, the scholar turned playwright heroine, kind of two-dimensional--I never really cared much what happened to her. But the supporting characters are fascinating.

Most enjoyable is the way this novel weaves in all sorts of Shakespeare lore, including the controversies about authorship (Did a small town guy really write all those plays?), speculation about the lovers in the Sonnets, and bits and pieces from the plays. Amid the thrilling suspense, there's a lot to savor.

A great book, no? A great read, yes.

Lulu Meets God and Doubts Him

Great title, huh? It certainly grabbed my attention at the bookstore, and I'm glad it did. Lulu Meets God and Doubts Him  by Danielle Ganek is an insider's look at the contemporary art world through the eyes of a "gallery girl," who harbors secret dreams of becoming a famous artist.

 Mia McMurray is an excellent narrator for this novel that lays bare the pretensions, obsessions, and absurdities that run rampant among those who create, sell, and buy modern art. While she can be scathing in her descriptions of people, Mia is never mean. She has a rare gift of being able to despise the despicable and still see and appreciate their good points. Her wit and charm save this novel from being nasty send-up of easy marks.

Instead, it's thoroughly enjoyable and a rather smart read. The story is pretty good too. 

The novel begins at the end, at a frenzied auction, but quickly goes back and starts at the beginning. The tale opens with the newly discovered, and extremely talented artist (although he does figurative paintings--so passe' don't cha know), Jeffrey Finelli arriving in NY for the opening of his first gallery show.

On the big night, he dies when he's struck by a car as he steps outside for a smoke.

Naturally his untimely demise creates a huge demand for his work, especially the large mysterious painting titled Lulu Meets God and Doubts Him. Everyone wants that painting--Lulu, the artist's niece and subject of the painting, several collectors, avaricious dealers, gallery owners, and the artist's best friend, himself a painter who's mostly famous for being famous.

Most of the action takes place in the trendy Chelsea district of  New York City, but there are forays into Florence, Venice and a memorable flight on a private jet. All of it takes place in the rarefied atmosphere of wealth, hype, and occasional genius.

Lulu Meets God and Doubts Him  is also Mia's story. She walks a narrow line trying to balance the competing demands of her job at the gallery, her deep love for art and her own desire to be an artist, her friendship with Lulu, and her haphazard search for love. Eventually she finds her way and we readers are pleased for her. 

I really enjoyed this novel, and it made me renew my resolve to go to the First Thursday Gallery Openings here in Seattle and to keep up a bit more with contemporary art. There's a lot of amazing work out there.

I hope it inspires you too.

There's an interesting article about the collapse of the art bubble in the March 2nd issue of Newsweek magazine. You can read it online: Brother, Can You Spare a Painting? Be sure to scroll down to read the whole piece.

As always, I'd love to hear what you think.

Making Room For Mr. Right

Sometimes it seems like everyone I know has written a book. And I get asked to read and review them all. This can be a bit awkward. Sometimes they're not books I would normally read--like thrillers. On rare occasions, the books are not very good--poorly written or simply dull. And sometimes I just don't like them and don't feel I can recommend them. Since it's not my practice to pan books on this site, once in a while I have to gently refuse.

Happily, most of my friends are terrific writers and their books are wonderful. That is certainly the case with Making Room For Mr. Right by Robin and Michael Mastro.

But wait! Before you stop reading and click to go somewhere else, I want to tell you that this book is not what you think. It's not the usual blather about playing the dating game that fills the self-help section at the bookstore.

The Mastros are leading experts in the ancient art and science of harmonious living known as Vastu.  You could say that it's the ancient Indian form of Feng Shui. Knowledge of Vastu comes from the same Vedic texts that hold the wisdom of yoga, meditation, and Ayurvedic medicine.

What does this have to do with finding true love?

The Mastros explain it by discussing three basic principles:

• When energy flows unrestricted within your environment, that energy supports you to receive more of what you want in life--including the man of your dreams.


• Eliminating stress by balancing the five elements in your environment enhances your ability to create a healthy relationship.


• Your thoughts, actions, and beliefs greatly impact your world and your ability to attract Mr. Right.

Making Room For Mr. Right combines clear explanation of Vastu (why and how it works) with intriguing and do-able practices for finding balance, opening your heart, and getting rid of any obstacles hindering your search for lasting love.

All this theory and practice is interwoven with the stories of three characters (ages 40, 55, and 32), composites whose experiences have been drawn from a variety of women Robin has worked with. Reading about how Faith, Sasha, and Lori worked through the exercises in the book--and also through their doubts and fears--made everything clear and kept me turning the pages.

I loved reading about their struggles and breakthroughs, and I appreciated that, just as in everyday life, none of the stories ended, "and they lived happily ever after...."  The book ends with each character in the beginning stages of what may be a relationship with her Mr. Right--or maybe not.

Although I am not personally looking for Mr. Right at this time (and by the way, this book will also be of use and benefit to couples looking to deepen and strengthen their relationship) I found much food for thought and a few practices I intend to try out.

I have also been encouraging all my single friends (men too) who would like to find "the real thing" to read this book, reflect on its ideas, and try the exercises.

I know for sure that the ancient principles of yoga, deep breathing, and meditation have improved my health and well-being in countless ways.  It seems likely that yoga's "sister," Vastu is based on deep wisdom too.

If you're not looking for love, but would like more abundance, prosperity, and joy in your life, check out Robin's other book Altars of Power and Grace.