MJ Ryan Talks about AdaptAbility

I hope you enjoy this interview with author MJ Ryan. It gives you a glimpse into her excellent book AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For and some great tips and suggestions.

Paula: What’s the best thing we can do to survive in these uncertain times?

MJ: Developing the ability to anticipate and respond quickly to change is the crucial skill we all need, whether you’re an entrepreneur, a job seeker, a corporate executive or a stay at home parent. Another name for it is AdaptAbility. The process has four parts-accepting the change, expanding your thinking, getting to action and reflecting after on how you did so you can do it again when needed. Folks who are great at adapting go through the cycle more quickly and avoid a lot of drama and/or stuckness: Oh, things are different, ok, here’s what I’m going to do. This may sound simple but it’s not necessarily easy because of the way our brains are structured.

Paula: Really, in what way?

MJ: We have two parts of our brain involved in responding to change. The first is our neocortex, the thinking part. It likes habit so it wants to keep doing what it’s always done and sees the world the way it has in the past. So it isn’t necessarily happy to have to adapt and may not even perceive the situation accurately. That’s because, when a change hits, your neocortex take in the facts and create a story to explain what’s happened. It can’t help but do this. What story you tell yourself has everything to do with whether you cope well or poorly with what’s happening. The other part of the brain that’s involved is the amygdala, which we share with all mammals and reptiles. It scans for pain/pleasure, safety/danger. When it perceives danger or pain, it triggers the fight, flight or freeze response, which interferes with our ability to think well about our situation and has us running in fear or stuck in denial (freeze) or railing about our situation (fight). That’s why I say change is not the enemy, fear is.

Paula: So, what’s the first thing we should do when change rocks our boats to deal with these realities about our brain?

MJ: Apply the 3Fs

F1: Get the Facts: What actually is changing? Gather as much information as you can without exaggerating or minimizing the situation, as if you were a newspaper reporter. This will help your neocortex stay out of horror stories with bad endings that do nothing but scare you and most likely will never come to pass. Stories that are dangerous always include one or more of three Ps:

Permanent (it will be like this forever)

Pervasive (this has ruined everything)

Personal (I’m the only person going through this terrible thing, it’s all my fault).

When we tell ourselves such stories, we easily fall into despair and find it harder to create a positive future. Instead, turn those Ps on their head with a story that says:

Impermanent (This is temporary)

Limited (The rest of my life is still good)

Impersonal (This is happening to lots of other people and doesn’t have anything to do with me as a person)

F2: Tend Your Feelings: Unless you are someone who is excited by change, most likely this event has triggered the fear response. It does no good to tell yourself not to be scared, because the amygdala doesn’t listen to reason. Remember it’s only as smart as a lizard. Try slow deep breaths, and relax your muscles as much as possible. This will counteract the fear response.

F3: Reach Out to Other Folks: This is no time to isolate. Run, don’t walk, to help. There are three kinds of support other people can give, say social psychologists-tangible support, like money, food, shelter; advice and help with problem solving; and empathetic listening. Think about which you need most right now and who might be able to offer it. If you need something that you can’t get from family or friends, try a counselor, therapist, minister, support group.

Paula: What’s one question people rarely ask themselves in times of change that they should?

MJ: What have I done in the past to survive difficulty and how could I apply that to this? We each have a treasure chest between our two ears of precious resources gained through experience as well as qualities of heart, mind and spirit. The more deeply we connect to those, the more we will be able to use all of our inner resources. If this is the very first time you’re experiencing a challenge, remember you have created success in the past-you went to school, had a job, and created a family. How did you do that and how can you use those qualities again?

Paula: What are your other tips for getting through?

MJ: Here are my top 5. My website mj-ryan.com lists 20 which you can download.

Focus on the solution, not the problem. Because society rewards analytic thinking, we believe that identifying the cause is the answer: Why is this happening. That’s a starting point, but don’t spend too much time there. What are you going to do about where you are?

Because feeling in control is so crucial to resilience and economic challenges can leave us feeling very out of control, try asking yourself this question during the day: What am I free to choose right now?

Seek out really good advice–this is no time to be a lone ranger!

Celebrate success along the way, no matter how small: a new connection, a possible lead, a small savings. Give yourself credit for moving forward in a difficult situation. At the end of the day, look at what you’ve done and celebrate whatever accomplishment you can. Celebration creates positive energy and forward momentum.

If you find yourself worrying all the time, set aside a 15 minute worry time, say 5pm every day. Then when your mind starts worrying at other times, tell yourself it’s not worry time and distract yourself-read a report, write an email, something that occupies your mind.

Thank you, MJ, these are useful ideas that I know I can use right now--and lots of food for thought, too.

I'd love to hear from my readers: Which if these ideas are you likely to try? Why? How do YOU handle change?

Comments

[melissa wadsworth]

Love this interview. Really good information. Thanks for posting this Paula. What helps me is to wonder in an open-ended way: "I wonder what I'll learn from this? Or "I wonder how my life will be different a year from now?" These kinds of thoughts (asked without the pressure of having to be answered) plant the seeds for positive awareness that always benefits me getting the most out of any life change opportunity.

[Paula]

Those are great suggestions, Melissa, thanks. I agree that the simple act of asking questions like these creates space for positive musings.

[Sukie Baxter]

What a timely interview! I'm struck by the similarities to my own work. "Developing the ability to anticipate and respond quickly..." is what I teach my clients to do with their bodies, and I see it translate to their lives. I'll be recommending this book to them as well.